These days, when I go through my life, I can’t help but wonder at the many things they don’t teach in school. They don’t teach you how to turn off the gas after cooking. They don’t teach you how to reset your habits into healthier ones. They certainly did not even touch on how some things stick with you for life and no matter how you try to move on and find meaning or happiness elsewhere, it remains at the back of your head. I guess there are just some things that teachers thought are best left for us to learn.
It’s a universal truth that heartbreak is one of the biggest lessons the world teaches us at the worst of times. When you think about it, can there really by a perfect time to break someone’s heart? I guess not. The one heartbreak I got was not foreshadowed by anything other than the promise of a better future. But I guess it’s okay to talk about it now. Thank you, anonymous Internet.
There are so many things that I want to say to myself that I still can’t. There are hundreds of things that I still will not admit because they hurt every sense of my being. Up to this day, I am still stuck to a past long gone, and that’s just fucked up. I am so tired of being heartbroken, so tired of being alone even with the best of company, so tired of hanging on to a lost love even as I find the warmth I once sought for. I am tired, but I am never without this burden, and it’s my fault. I can’t seem to let it all go. How can I still cry for what she told me years ago? How can I still keep the memory of that perfect day and long evenings when I should already be happy with new ones? How can I not let this go, and why is there only me? Are there other people in the world who go through the same fucked up thing? How do they cope? How do they keep away?
I try my best to keep away. She’s happy now. She’s done with me, her phase of betrayal and hurdle. Honestly, the idea of her peaceful smile is all that I hold on to to keep myself from greeting her, from sending links I know she would like, and from asking her if everything’s okay. That’s it, really. When I feel sad, I just think that she’s okay now, and that’s enough for me. I miss her every day, but she’s okay. I’m okay. I just have to repeat that, so I don’t feel so pathetic. Damn, I need to get ahold of myself.